Beyond the Sea

I decided to google "chemical imbalances after breastfeeding" to see what came up and I think that may be part of my up, down and all around moods these days. One of the things I read was "don't make any big decisions" so ... I'm going to follow that advice. I'm having an "up" day and haven't had any sour thoughts about my future in theatre. In fact, I had a great discussion with Chris about his ideas for Part Four of Storming Heaven and got really excited about the project just from that small glimpse. We're meeting with the other playwrights tomorrow night and I'm sure I'll be walking away inspired and grateful that we're moving forward with such a beautiful project.

Travis mentioned that I don't owe theatre anything. I think I do though. Theatre, as an entity, as a spirit, as a greater cause has gotten me through many minor and major emotional downfalls. It served as a delusion. As a distraction. As a great hope. As something to work towards. As something to throw myself, body and soul, into when I needed it. I served the muses that came scratching at my mind's door. I want to continue pushing through the Doubt with Loyalty and Commitment. Lisa mentioned "Love". I don't think I'm ready for the trial separation just yet. I think there are some major obstacles to overcome in the next year with fundraising and having the whole project come together but theatre and I have been through an awful lot together and I think we can weather my little storm and my sea change. I've got a great group of artists and supporters surrounding me. I want to do this project. I think it's really exciting and the stories should be told. And I want GreyZelda to tell them.

(You really need to watch this, by the way.)

Black Dove (January)

Theatre has become my albatross. I'm not sure how to shed it. Is that a step I should take or would it be a disastrous step? I continue to make commitments to our theatre company because I feel that giving up theatre would be giving into an ultimate, soft selfishness. When I hear those words coming out of my mouth or out of my typing fingertips, I wonder why I've turned theatre into a religion and a higher power? Am I ready to put down the lash and take off the white collar? Or do I want to continue prostrating myself at the altar of the theatricals?

I've been thinking about why I have continued doing something that has begun to felt painful the last few years. I continue because I'm prideful and don't want to others to see me shrug off my cross. I continue because I paid for a degree. I felt this artform was so serious that I put in 4 years plus of college and have had no monetary payoff since, but, damnit, my degree says "BA in Theatre" so that means I do theatre. I do it because my father said he didn't want me to do it and because of that statement (and other things) I haven't spoken to my father since I was 18 years old. If I didn't do it, for some reason, I think that would be proving him right after so many years and also proving that this silence has been for naught. I do it because I have made commitments to people and feel that it would be weak of me to stop. I do it because I don't want people to feel glee and happiness at me stopping. I don't want people to dance on my grave.

But ... I don't do it because it makes me happy. I have made others happy by doing this and that's nice, but ... that's not enough for me anymore. This concerns me. My daughter makes me happy. My husband makes me happy. I like to make them happy. I like to make my friends happy. But, I think that my real friends wouldn't mind if I stopped doing theatre for a while. If they are friends who are looking for me to make them happy by giving them a role or a place to do theatre, well ... I'm sure they'll find others to make them happy in this oversaturated theatre scene that is Chicago Theatre. They were temporary, theatre friends.

That's another thing that's always gotten me down since I realized this fact ... The temporary, fleeting nature of theatre. That's all there is. That's the magic. The delusion, however, of the temporary family. Of the people who are your "best friends" for a few months. It's a dragon theatre people chase. There are real relationships to be had in the world. Real things that matter and can change the world and I'm just not sure how to find that in theatre anymore.

I'm feeling lost in my own woods right now. I've thought to myself that I would love for GreyZelda and her members to be adopted by another theatre company somehow. If I stepped down, I don't know of anyone who would be interested in taking my place and so I think that the place has become empty with wind rushing through it for sometime. I created something that people believe in but don't want to hold up. I'm scared to talk about this with people because I know that they'll look elsewhere and feel that I've let them down. But, I would love for someone to catch the flag before it hits the ground.

I also realize there's a time for everything and maybe our little theatre company has reached its time.

I don't know what the next step is but I feel quite alone in these decisions. I feel that people are waiting on me to make them. My mind changes day to day. One day, I want to continue. Most days, I want to run away somewhere and just start again when I feel like it.

Bad Moon on the Rise

It's been a mighty long time since last I wrote. An entire month came in like a lamb and out like a lion. We've never had the best of luck at the end of October. I can't tell you why. I think a bad moon must arise around that time for us. It's not that anything crazy has happened. We've just had some trouble with the landlord who lost his cool on Friday. Not the best way to keep your current (and only) tenants happy. We've been very unhappy with him for a while. The thing is ... we have a great apartment, but it's been falling down around our ears lately. The stove, ice maker, dining room ceiling and bathroom shower tiles need fixing. The kitchen sink has been leaking since we moved in. The stove has needed fixing for well over a year now. It just doesn't get done. And it won't get done. We're paying for working appliances each month. He hasn't even looked at the dining room ceiling or the bathroom tiles. He offered to have Chris fix everything and deduct that from our rent but Chris started his new job and I'm sure our landlord won't pay for the labor that would go into doing all of that. And the bathroom needs serious work. I just would like to live in a place where everything works. And where our landlord gives a shit. Well, he gives a shit when he doesn't get his rent exactly on the first because he has a mortgage to pay. Which isn't our problem and I told him that. He's decided that he no longer will be speaking with me but will be speaking to Chris. It's that good cop/bad cop thing that Chris and I have going on with most people. He's the Robert DeNiro to my Joe Pesci.

Anyway ... enough about our landlord.

I started a blog for Storming Heaven where we'll have our collaborators write about their processes, research, thoughts on the project, etc. The show won't open until January 2011 but I think this will be a cool thing for our people to contribute to.

Chris's job has been going well. He's starting to call businesses today and I haven't heard how everything's gone yet but I'm sure he's been very suave to the people in the market for new insurance.

Clara finally went down for her afternoon nap a few moments ago. She's been rebelling against it as of late, which bums me out, because I love the respite from being "mom" for the hour or so that she snoozes. I get a break in the morning, but ... I look forward to the afternoon break just as much. She's a pleasure but it's nice to focus on myself for a spell. She is SO close to walking. She's been taking a couple of steps now and again and she's getting really good at balancing on her own two feet. She's taken her time on the physical stuff but when she finally gets around to it, she's got it nailed and perfect. I've seen 10 month olds walking but they're very chaotic and kind of fling themselves from point A to point B. I don't think Clara will be like that. She's too cautious for that type of reckless behavior. =) She does, however, like to make a devastation out of whatever room she's in. She'll systematically pull all her toys out of her toy basket, all the cds/dvds off of the shelves, all the books out of her bookshelf, etc. She, on occasion, will put things back where they go, but ... throwing everything every which way is much more satisfying. She really likes to study her books and the cd/dvd covers. She finds it very entertaining, which I'm happy about. I hope she takes to reading like her mum and dad.

What else, what else ... she's been going to a Gymboree class once a week, which she loves. Songs, fun teachers, stuffed clowns and puppets, parachutes, bubbles, balls, instruments, things to climb ... it's a lot of fun. 45 minutes a week and she gets to hang out with other babies her age and she works on her motor skills while she's there.

Well ... I'm going to bid you adieu for now because my durned carpal tunnel problem is rearing its unattractive head right now.

Bump on a Log

I love Saturday mornings but feel a little bit like a bump on a log today. Clara's taking her nap, Chris is picking up donated yard sale stuff from Ms. Sarah Stec ... we're having a GreyZelda Garage (Grey-Rage) Yard Sale fundraiser on Saturday, Oct. 17th and Sunday, Oct. 18th here at our pad. Our company members are donating their sundries and fabulous household goods so that our little theatre company can raise some funds for our 2011 season.

In other news ... Chris will be employed as of October 15th. We're very excited though it will be sad to not be able to share the parenting duties during the day with him and I know his heart will break a little bit because he won't be able to spend time with the cutest one year old in the world.

She's been learning to walk, by the way. We went to Payless yesterday and picked her out a couple of sturdier, flat bottomed shoes to aid with her motoring. All of her movement is coming all at once ... she's finally starting to get crawling down, too, and becomes very frustrated when she can't get to where she'd like to go. She had a bit of a meltdown a couple of nights ago because she had crawled a few inches forward but then reverted back to her backwards pushing and she lost it. She started throwing herself around on her rug and couldn't be soothed so we decided that an early bedtime was in order. She went right to sleep and woke up refreshed and optimistic the next morning.

We'll be heading to the Hillsdale County Fair on Sept. 28th and will take in the festivities on the 29th and 30th. I'm excited to show Clara all of the barnyard animals and rides. I think she'll enjoy herself. We'll be able to see the fam and the Amburgeys and maybe some other folks, so ... yay for the Greatest Fair on Earth.

On my end ... I've been adding a standardized patient gig at Northwestern University to my part-time responsibilities. It's been a lot of fun so far and I really like the people who are in charge of it and the other standardized patients I've met so far. I'll probably have to have someone watch Clara after Chris goes to work which means we'll need to pay that person a little bit and it'll probably end up that I won't really make as much as I'd like but I still plan on continuing it because I think it's pretty fun and educational. Plus, Clara should get used to the fact that sometimes Mommy and Daddy head out to places without her but we will always come back.

What else, what else ... we're getting adapters together for Storming Heaven and I hope to have a meeting with all of them soon. It looks like they might all be male, but if I can line up four female directors for the project then it'll all even out, I hope. We're going to have a GreyZelda company meeting on Oct. 12th, too.

And ... that's about it. I'm going to wrap this up because I realized that I put the wrong dates up for the Grey-Rage sale on facebook. Talk to you later, cats.

Where You'll Find Me ...

...in case you were looking ...

It's been tricky for me to remember to write blogs on here lately. I'm sure I'll do it again, no worries, but if you need more immediate updates on yours truly, you can find me here.

A Crow and her Baby

Y'all probably know this already but Morgan Manasa is truly a cool she-cat. Long ago and far away she posted a status update on facebook and said that the first five people to respond would get something original created by Ms. Morgan. I responded because, you know, why the hell not? When I went to see Point of Contention's The Wonder last Tuesday, I congratulated Morgan after the show and she pulled the Mama Crow and her Baby out and I was ever so delighted. We're still in the process of figuring out where we want to hang it (we're thinking above the door in the baby's room) but we're so happy to have it. Thank you again, Morgan.

***********************************************************************************

I mentioned in my last blog post that I went to see Tori last Monday. I went with a new Tori-phile friend, Diana, and we had a nice time seeing the show together. It wasn't my favorite ... she played a lot of songs that are on my "Least Favorite Tori Songs" list. Cars and Guitars, for example, off of The Beekeeper. Absolutely one of my least liked songs. Our seats were in row FF so we weren't far from the stage at all, which was cool. The whole thing was ok. Not as long as I would have liked. Not as magical (for me, anyway) as I would have liked.

**********************************************************************************

Clara just woke up from her late morning nap. She's playing on her little rug with her Shapes Barn. She started pulling herself up yesterday which I'm very excited about! She held on to my hands, put her legs under her, and pushed up to a standing position. She's also figuring out how to go forwards and not just backwards when she's in crawling position. She goes a couple of moves forward and then several moves backwards but, hey, she's getting it.

Here's a typical day with Ms. C:

5am - She wakes up. Has a nursing breakfast. Chris changes her and puts her back to sleep in her crib. We go back to sleep.
8am - Clara wakes up again. Nurses. She and I get up and come into the office. I check email, bloggy blogs, etc and she plays on her rug with her toys for a while. On her tummy initially. I eat cereal, breakfast, etc.
8:30am - We go bug Chris to wake up. He gets up, makes coffee, feeds Siwitch, etc.
9am - I feed Clara some Yo-Baby with her multivitamin mixed in. She gobbles the whole thing down because it's her favorite food. She loves cold things.
9:30am - We hang out in the office with Chris for a spell while he checks on any job leads.
10am - We turn on Sesame Street and Clara plays with toys while she watches her favorite guy, Elmo, and all of his friends. Today she spent a lot of the hour holding on to the coffee table and standing. She dances a bit these days to the music that comes on, too.
11am - I change her into her "day outfit" and nurse her again. She oftentimes falls asleep while she's nursing and I put her into her crib and have some "me" time or "alone" time with Chris.
12pm - Clara wakes up and plays with her toys. Sometimes we read a story.
12:30pm - Lunch. Clara often will have some cold jarred fruit, leftover chicken/pork/what-have-you, L'il Crunchies or her Yogurt Bites or Dried Apple Pieces, etc.
2 pm - More nursing
3pmish - She might take an afternoon nap. We sometimes take a walk around the neighborhood before hand, do errands, etc.
5pm - More nursing.
6:30pm - Supper. We try to work in some veggies at supper time. We always work in some veggies, but whether she eats them or not is always the mystery of the day.
7pm - Watch The Sopranos.
8pm - Nurse Clara and put her in her "nighttime" outfit. She falls asleep pretty quickly, we put her in her crib, and then have "alone" time.
10pm - We go to bed. Early these days. I often read. Currently reading Mists of Avalon. I've realized that my reading list has looked like Carmella Soprano's as of late.

Clara will wake up every so often during the night but all we need to do is put her pacifier in and she goes right back to sleep. She rolls over on her side and that's our clue that she's definitely down for the count. We've also been turning on her sound/projection machine and have it set to "Ocean" which puts us down for the count quite well, too.

And, in between all of the schedule events, we change her, play with her, talk with her, kiss and hug on her, practice her standing, etc. The day is quite full of all things Clara. It's very nice.

Merman

I sing this to Ms. C and now hum it in my head in hopes that she'll go down for her afternoon nap. She just woke up and started wailing after I had just put her down in her crib but I know full well that she's tired. She didn't sleep much during her late morning nap, so ... it's time for her to go down, down, down for a few.

I'll make this short, too, actually, because I might like to lay myself down for a spell ... read a little and hopefully nod off while Clara sleeps. Sleep when they sleep. Exactly. I sat down to write a big blog about the Tori show last week and Chris meeting Rowdy Roddy Piper yesterday, but I feel very tired. How dull sleepiness is to write about. And read about, I'm sure. I've bored myself already.

Ah well ... I'll try to write more later.